Every time my mom comes up to visit, she mentions wanting to do a float down a river some day. There happened to be a groupon deal a while back for a float trip down the beautiful Skagit river, so I thought "what a perfect opportunity!" We ventured out on our expedition a few weekends ago, and out of fear of losing some of these insane stories, I have to get them down. I'm not sure I have been so stunned at the way a company runs their business as I was with good ol Pacific Northwest Float Trips. Because stick figure drawings make everything a little bit funnier, I thought I would do some depictions of our time with Cap'n Dave.
Situation #1: the call
I realized that although I had received an email confirmation that we could go on a trip a few months ago, I never received anything again confirming that our trip was coming up like normal businesses do-you know like a reminder of the type of clothes to wear, the length of the trip, etc. Since it was kind of far away, I asked my mom to call Captain Dave to confirm we were indeed on a trip. This was our first taste of his "unique" personality.
mom: Hi there. My daughter and I were just calling to confirm our river float trip tomorrow.
Dave: WHAT?! You're just trying to book a trip for tomorrow?!
mom: No, we booked a trip a few months back, but were just calling to confirm. I thought maybe you were at an office and you could look at your reservation book.
Dave: mam, I'm on a river trip RIGHT NOW! The river is my office!
mom: oh ok, I'm sorry for the inconvenience.
Dave: yeah, I got you down, 9:30. Don't be late! Get there early! Do you know where you're going? People are always getting lost.
Situation #2: the introduction
We show up at the gas station EARLY and see no signage for the float tour, but rather 2 random ramshackle buses and a few guides standing around. We finally make contact with Captain Dave who tells us to go to the bathroom and get ready to get on the bus. He heards all of us onto the bigger bus and the chaos starts from there.
Dave (with handheld speaker in hand): Hi everyone. This is the hardest part. Thanks for coming out , we'll have a great time today. This is about meeting people! Get out of your cliques. *RING RING* (picks up cell phone only to realize he has a blue tooth in) "It's a GREAT day on the river! I'm ON A TRIP RIGHT NOW!!" hangs up. ug. People just can't be on time. That was gypsy Jean and if I have to pay $100 to change an airline flight I'm not going to wait for you, it messes everything up! Anyway, (puts down handheld speaker) I don't like these things. Lets start with some introductions. You in the back go. (A few people start to introduce themselves) *RING RING* Excuse me- John take it from here. "It's a GREAT day on the river" (leaves bus). Poor John has no idea where to go from here so he continues introductions. We only get through 2 more people before Dave gets back on "you know what ! We've got to get out of here! Intro to white water, get on the orca. Actually, get into your cars and follow us to a new location. For some reason we did...
Situation #3: The "bonus"
We drive to a random location, leave our cars, and hop onto the orca. As we're driving to the next location to drop off our rafts, Captain Dave offers us a "bonus" while the guides are setting up the rafts. He says he's from Newhalem and will "show us the town." In fact, I think a direct quote was "You know, people drive through here, get a beer, and think that they've seen the town. Well i'm going to give you a real taste of this place." He proceeds to drive us around telling us about where he hit a home run, where a friend got a hook in his eye ball, where the Japanese internment camps were because "you know they had to put them in these nice camps because they couldn't take any chances on if they were spies." wow. He then tells us about how the government and the sheriff are after him and just wont let him be. We pulled up to a trailhead where we all piled out and followed him into the woods.
The journey in the woods was very enlightening. He filled us in on how to trap animals using a hollowed out tree (apparently it's pretty normal to him that he sold mink coats to get his first bike). He also continued with his super politically correct comments with singling out a girl on our trip who was adopted by asking where she was born and then proceeding to yell out "EVERYONE! Did you know we have a Cambodian on our trip today?" We returned to the mildew smelling Orca and wondered if we would actually ever get on the river.
After an awesome safety talk that basically contained no information other than a joke about holding on to the paddle so you don't knock someone's teeth out (meanwhile one of the guides is returning to the Orca with a pump). No waivers, no id's, doesn't even know our names. We headed out.
Situation #4: The float
Before I get into the funniness of the float, I will say that the river was absolutely beautiful. The scenery was stunning and we really did enjoy our time. But this trip would not be complete without some weird things. Everything was going well until our less than confident guide started saying statements like "Man, I've never seen the river this high! This is probably 5 times higher than normal." or "It's not the logs that I'm seeing that are freaking me out, it's the logs that we are passing over." or the classic "You know one these logs can pop this raft in an instant." When we approached the one set of rapids he said "I have no idea what to expect so just get ready to paddle."
Fortunately we made it safe and sound and really enjoyed our ride. We were totally freezing, soaking wet and ready to return to the comfort of the orca... only when we got off the river, there was no orca to be found. Which leads us to situation #4..
Situation #4: pick up
When the guides realized captain dave was not there with the Orca, they phoned him and he proceeded to tell them that the cars were supposed to be there (even though he was the one that drove us to the drop off location). Finally the Orca showed up, Captain Dave jumped out, and threw a box of chocolate chip cookies on the ground as a peace offering.
Situation #5: The lunch .. aka what 4 men living in the woods can pull together
We were finally on our way back to our cars where we were promised a lunch to finish out our float adventure. I just couldn't wait to see what Captain Dave had in store since the rest of the trip had been so.. memorable. As we pulled into a deserted parking lot that resembled a scene from a dateline show, we spotted a flat bed trailer with a blue igloo cooler on top, like so.
One of the guides hopped out of the orca, set out the food and then embarrassingly walked away saying "it's kind of buffet style."
Laid out on the trailer after being removed from the cooler with no ice, were 3 Tupperware containers with random dips that were unrecognizable. One of the dips even had a leftover knife in it! How convenient. No plates, forks, or napkins. Just crushed, stale, chips, 3 water bottles for 12 people, and 3 hard boiled eggs that the guide said "did not get eaten for breakfast."
Don't worry, my mom and I walked away without eating anything, while gaining a lifetime of memories from our day on the river with Captain Dave.
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